Chris Locke and Ennis Esmer have taken over the horoscope department at Eye Weekly. This is a HUGE blow to the “people who take their horoscopes seriously” community. For everyone else (that is to say, everyone who is COOL) this is welcome news. Now instead of boring, earnest, made-up advice, readers are treated to hilarious, awesome, made-up advice. Here’s a taste:
Feb 20-March 20
If there’s one thing to remember as the new year kicks off, Pisces, it’s this: you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. Also, you catch more bees at the county fair than at the store. So put down that vinegar, get outta that store and find that fair. Or just find a beekeeper, and buy bees from her. Whatever. Get some fucking bees, man. Pronto.
Followers of The Onion know that “fake” horoscopes aren’t a new idea, but I don’t really care. I welcome jokes. If I could, I would hoard jokes and then the show Hoarders would come to my house, open a closet and the host would be crushed to death by a lot of jokes.
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